Oh! Well, this is a bit unexpected. Is that… is that a real Macintosh? Fascinating. Mr… Searle is it? Right. Reading names with such high ‘e’ densities I find difficult so shortly after bear-hunting. A condition I assure you, most definitely related to staring through larches for 10 hours at a time.
Ah, you’re here about the paper.
I had asked for your review of the Red-Empire Blue-Empire internal conflict and its ramifications on the future of Syria, and what is this? Do you think we have the spare brain power to be wasting on determining the best way to gesture angrily in Peter Thiel’s direction? Is this a university or a bathhouse? Don’t answer those questions.
As you know, my job is to pre-peer review your work prior to real peer-review; as you know, certain ‘academics’ have made it a bit of a game to try to stuff hatefacts into our prestigious publications — gray journals if you will — and we cannot have any of that!
First thing. You’ll notice I’ve used purple ink instead of red. Red is too jarring, I think you’ll agree, and purple has the suggestion of homosexual rights, which a “heterosexual” such as yourself can certainly get behind, if you catch my meaning.
Why is “heterosexual” in “scare quotes”? You’re not homophobic, are you? Really, this is why your paper was flagged for review, Mr. Searle. I hope you understand the magnitude of my job here. I am not well known, but I dare say that without my work, all journals would be more accurately colored yellow. Do you remember the days of yellow journalism, Mr. Searle? Those were days of uncontrolled peer-to-peer governance. My dear friend Mr. Poe underwent some of that treatment, I believe, and turned up dead. The graying of our journals I assure you is for the better of managing that peer-to-peer process to ensure viruses, let’s say, don’t turn it into Hitler.
Hmm, alright. Where to begin?
Mr. Searle, since you broached the topic; you are a man of modern sensiblities. And yes, your wife is no slut merely exploring her sexuality outside the home. This is nothing to scoff at – Calvinists have a long tradition of free-wheeling sex cultery. You also seem to share their lack of humor, but I can understand the plight of our darker-than-dove friends is nothing to laugh at. But really, I must chide you for your unenlightened and crass remarks. Are you really implying that, in 2016, single mothers (or fathers) are providing anything less that capable parenting services? I’m sure you’ll be more than gracious if I were to non-violently donate some of your assets to the nearest charity for the transgenerationally underinvested few in number of our great geography in atonement.
Part of your duty as an academic is to disabuse your students of the correlative/causative fallacy. I’m sure you’ve had a few kulak cousins who think that just because non-dove-colored people end up in prison more, they commit more crime. But really are you telling me that government by head count is responsible for “universal literacy, industrialization, railroads, telephones, human flight, the Theory of Evolution, Psychoanalysis, Quantum Mechanics, Genetics, ‘the Bomb,’ television, computers, the Internet and mobile technology”? If you’ve devised some connection between head counts and science, well, you can just quit your job and we can ballot-box our way to Mars. I’m sure many intergenerationally underinvested youth would love the chance to finally participate in STEM without that looming student debt.
No? You’ve never heard of the Holodomor? I assure you that, like the Great Leap Forward, it was the will of the people. I tell you for sure, and the graying of this journal as my witness, that without the restraints placed upon it by our wise stewardship, you’d soon discover that your work out of Pennsylvania with a very — shall we say — Bourgeois family arrangement… do you work your own land? It might become… relocated. I mean, not the work. The people will do it. Your family. Food may or may not be necessary for your existence at that point, depending on what the head count shows. I would imagine that people who have less than you quite outnumber you. But why am I going over the reasons for the graying of this journal? We know them all very well.
What, you’re not aware that murderous revolutions had… popular support? I suppose mobs are only correlated with mob violence, rioters with riots, and so on. In 1788, some would believe you, but the correlation between democracy and science… well, have you ever read Popular Government? What do they study in “political science” these days? Let me put it simply: peer-to-peer governance is reflexively and blandly conservative. I don’t mean substantively, mind you — democracy is never going to undo no-fault divorce, of course! Did the Anti-Corn Law have popular support among the workers whose wages it cut? Do you suppose we’d have international ‘free and fair trade’ if they allowed those workers to decide what their wages could be!? I assure you, sir! By the graying of this journal, never!
In fact, I am here to most importantly get you off of this ‘I f*king love science’ jag. How old are you? Do you watch My Little Pony? How about The Smurfs? It’s well known that science is a highly disruptive thing, unless coddled, er, controlled by the state. Specifically, we want only science that confirms the glorious truths we already know – for example that all humans are unequivocally equal in all ways! Human biodiversity — never mind the discoverers of DNA on this (see what I mean? Science: dangerous.) — is obviously fraudulent.
Moreover, I think you’ll agree that unprogressive science, by which we mean science that does not move humankind towards a brave, new world, is clearly false science. Scientific enthusiasm is therefore dangerous! Who exactly are you trusting to vet your opinions? Next thing you know, you’ll be building a miniature nuclear reactor in your basement, or worse than that — doing those experiments in genetic engineering they call ‘sexual relations’. It is now shown that on a quantum level there is no way to determine a woman’s consent state from moment to moment without altering it – thus there is always a possibility of rape. Do you want to microrape, Mr. Searle?
Hmm, I also see you joking about the color of a man’s skin and his penis. Did you know that some men do not have penises? By the graying of this journal, I swear that it is a good thing we had this meeting. Indeed, some darker-than-dove persons also have pretty much white skin! To impugn them based on the color of their skin, to imply that there is anything wrong with them being treated well despite being effectively white – well, I have never heard such an outrage!
Ah, yes. I do not know who this Mr. Land is, but I wholeheartedly agree that we must abandon Plato. But I feel as though… your priorities are not really in the right place. You are trying to be selective with your progressive attitudes. It is clear that as potentially a white man, as the syllogisms suggest, Plato cannot be abandoned based on some kind of ‘logical’ comparison. It behooves all academics to recant ‘white’ science of this sort as unprogressive. After all, Plato warned against democracy and without democracy, why would we need gray journals!? Think of our livelihoods for a moment!
Overall, however, I think you’re missing the main point, which is that the point of democracy now is to poison our enemies so that we can rule them. “More democracy” is fine, although managing dosage is key. Your enthusiasm for the poison itself sounds like an addiction. Is it good to rule the dead? The poison is applied merely to weaken them to the state in which we can kill and replace them at our leisure with stupider people who are far easier to rule mainly because they are ineducable and do not speak our language. No risk in them reading the gray journals and understanding what is afoot! Did you know they are legalizing gambling-houses in many states? The problems almost always solve themselves, with a little faith in science.
Hmm, I think you’re misunderstanding Silicon Valley here too. As you might understand, Google is part of the State Department. Keep this on the down-low, of course–many libertarians still swear by Google. But you know, both the State Department and Google have the same motto: “Don’t be evil!” It wasn’t obvious? Shall we talk about the scope of enterprise contracts that Microsoft has with the federal government? Not “technically” Silicon Valley? I suppose there are also no true Scotsmen?
Ah. And the last part. No. Environmental movements are not a democratic thing. They are a socialist thing. As you know, in our great tolerance for socialists both national and international, we have allowed them to prepare us for that final great leap forward. I’m still surprised you didn’t get the memo. I suppose you also believe that cancer is the cause of chemo? Correlation/causation, Mr. Searle!
Finally, I notice that you did not bring me a sandwich. You say you’re a man and should not have to!? I don’t see that you’re much of a man, with such unprogressive attitudes. You have a … penis you say? Sir, good sir, I swear by the graying of this journal… some women have penises, too!
Am I a mole? No, I assure you, despite the fact you have never heard of me before, my credentials are spotless. I have this office and desk, don’t I? In any case, if I don’t manage the thought-control apparatus, who will? The people?