Robocops Won’t Save You From The Progressive Media

Those closest to the front lines of reality bear the brunt of holiness narratives passed down from the press. Police get hit hardest for engaging in pattern recognition and enforcement. Ferguson is one example. There will be more. Even if police aren’t consciously aware, enforcement produces racial disparities. But with the press dialing up the intensity of race-war rhetoric, how long will it be until officers simply look the other way and ignore black crime?

This is well within the realm of possibility. “Will this be the bullet that puts my life and my family at risk?” Forget departmental disciplinary measures. The message is clear: cops can no longer carry out their roles without being subject to media spotlight and dozens of citizen journalists second-guessing expert autopsy reports and larping as Sherlock-fucking-Holmes’.

A demotist media falls prey to market logic. It’s incredible that a decent level of media quality has even managed to drift along for so long, given the game structure. All it takes is for one hawk to push the dominoes down, and then other hawks have their claws forced. Down go the dominoes. The advent of the Internet and smartphone connectivity is what finally did it. Media cycles iterate by the hour, instead of the week or the day, which accelerates games. It’s better if all the newsrooms decide to cooperate and ban clickbait journalism. But agreements are unstable. The ad revenue is there, and newsrooms are already struggling. When your next-door cubicler is laid off, it’s hard to leave that revenue on the table, especially when other newsrooms creep toward the end of the rainbow.

Readers backbite and complain, but pay them no mind. Data are data. Revealed preferences win out. Clickbait hysteria works, race-war journalism works because it satisfies the public’s desire for bloodlust and violence, all the while flattering pretensions to self-holiness. And because readers have computers, Internet access, and literacy, they will continue to patronize the comment boxes of YouTube and news organizations, ready to be boinked around from one side to the other. Even New York Times readers can’t track patterns over a year-long news cycle. Yet, readers often say that advertising ‘won’t work on them.’ Millennials are especially bad about this. If you say X doesn’t work on you, you have to realize that if X were to work on you, you probably wouldn’t know that X was working on you. Tread lightly.

“That sappy marketing won’t work on me!” said the hipster, as he bought his favorite overpriced, organic cereal named Wow Just Wow to celebrate the nonconformism his parents always fall into.

The public wants destabilizing media.

No state should let them have it.

The problem is compounded when destabilizing media is also thoroughly leftist. A patriot uprising would be possible in 2014 if the media generated cover and ran interference. Imagine if for every newsroom that replaced blacks with ‘youths, teens, and juveniles,’ you had two newsrooms which lauded citizen militias maintaining order, securing the border, and putting down crime? Sacrifices from the right are so rare because the right fears demonization. The left covers for their own, both inside media and out. When you know that you’ll be memorialized and named saint-of-a-few-news-cycles, you’re more likely to put yourself on the line by joining a revolutionary communist group and bombing public buildings. Rest assured, all good leftist bombers end up at the right hand of the Cathedral, as evidenced by tenure at prestigious universities.

Rightists have no such support. If they pray around a flag pole, the left is ready to publish screeching rhetoric on Christofascists plotting-around-the-flag-pole to return to a despotic, theocratic church which ovens homosexuals on first sight.

With this dilemma in mind, is it possible to provide similar cover fire for the police in the absence of a takeover of the press? And will body cams help? In the U.S., there’s actually a chance every cop could be required to wear a body cam. Certainly Obama is signalling in favor. If the media narrative is controlled by the Cathedral and is systematically misleading the public, body cams worn by police would be nothing less than hell on earth for progressivism. Progressives burn. Civil libertarians sleep soundly. And the right is vindicated. Optimistic, maybe, but there’s potential.

I hate dystopians, but I had a dream once that Elon Musk awoke to robots crashing through his rooftop glass pane at night and strangling him to death. Which reminds me that we might be able to do better than body cams.

What about robocops? In fact, this question is dangerously close to the one posed by Salon in the year 2114: Are robocops racist?

In fact, robocops armed with pure unfiltered inference to the best explanation combined with machine learning will be much closer to reality than cops who drag their feet at having to deal with belligerent and hostile blacks yet again.

Robocops are fearless and tireless machines that refuse to put up with the idea of no-go zones.

All the conservatives in 2114 will call them color blind robots. All the conservatives in 2114 will say that conservatives are the real egalitarians, since they never programmed the machine to favor one race over another; that’s just overt racism. And if you’ve already forgotten, the nancy boys will be happy to remind you: conservatives are the real anti-racists. And the real feminists. And the real progressives. Still. In 2114. Some things never change.

Vox will lead the charge by arguing that we need to have a conversation, a public dialogue about the asshole behavior of the executives and programmers at Robocop Inc. For starters, there still isn’t even racial or gender diversity, and there’s almost a complete dearth of the xyZ gender and nuclear-queers (both terms to be invented sometime circa 2050). Secondly, Robocops are asshole racists, and although conservatives now fully support equality for sonar-queers, they’re having an existential crisis about opposition to nuclear-queers. Gawker and the Washington Post will throw themselves on the dog pile.

The Catholic Church will still cling to its bigoted, old ways of same-sex marriage.

“That is NOT okay.”

Robocops are morally unacceptable. Machine learning was invented by white males, and so we need to have another conversation. Undoubtedly, mental states are transmitted subtly to code. If code can be have an aesthetic, it can have a personality. The programming has internalized white supremacist norms. We need a new programming language. It must be invented by the Bantu. Robocops must be invented and engineered by the Bantu, as well. We all know that the Bantu are out of luck. Robocops will have to be shuttered. Maybe not. There were also some questions about robocops aesthetics. They all look like white males and females.


After a revolutionary discovery by some professors at Harvard in 2113, it turns out that robocops actually learn stereotypes by observing white males. It must be the white males. The white males have to be removed, so that robocops don’t accidentally internalize racism by continually updating and forming patterns. We’ll have to compensate. The program will stipulate that robocops must arrest an equal proportion of the races based on the demographic makeup of a region.

Some clever bastard will have a futures or predictions market for crime rates in strictly defined geographical areas, and since the information will be updated on the fly, he’s set to rake in a lot of dough. Crime surges upward, but we only become aware by phone surveys of victimization, rather than official counts. There will, of course, be a large disparity between police counts and reported victimization data. Let’s crank these amps up to 11.

To compensate for all the years of robocop racism, The Atlantic will argue that whites should be penalized. Robocops should be biased against whites, and in favor of blacks. Conservative Inc. will still be full of nancy boys who wait until it’s safe before they come out from behind mama’s skirt and squirt the left with a water pistol.

“I said the term ‘social justice warrior’ and mocked it. I’m so brave,” said the conservative writer 10 years after everyone else started thinking it acceptable to make fun of the Tumblristas. Social justice warriors are addicted to triggering themselves and finding offense, like the rat who overdoses from pumping on the drug dispenser. A celebration of weakness. The highest form of slave morality.

Body cams will be an improvement, but will never be enough. And robocops will never be good enough until we send them after the disorderers, the journalists.

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